Random Outburst 3

Letting this creativity drown out all my constant thinking and negativity.

Questions.

What's destined to be since my nativity.
Currently,
Trying to come to terms with my truth actively.
Dying to find out whats socially special in me, tactfully.
Fighting what others perceive, correcting the fake, factually.
Finding my piece of mind first before I actually....
Get down to the root.
The cause.
Laying in bed wondering what I like, what I can keep, with passion.
grabbing life by the balls. 
But unpassionate, multiple lanes, for some reason inspiration to keep going just falls.
Finding a reason for yourself, universally, an unwritten law.
To find something in yourself 
right, real, reverently raw.
Hoping to gain a reclusive mind, 
get away from it all.

Why?

Because of the the over exposure of self lobbying success.
The action on social media to show you're better than the rest.
Quite vain, everbody racing to pass this invisible test.
So lame, comparing what I'm  building to somebody else's nest.
Deciding to find my own voice, reach deep into my own chest.
Refusing to brag on my intent, my plan, my ability to progress.
Not to put those who do down, but on my nerves 50% of you get.
Now, there are those who I'm happy for, seeing the strife, then the growth, then the open doors.
But it's always those ones who have to show off a little more.
Purhaps put up a quote asking what others are waiting for.
Posing as motivation, however I since studying, judging, keeping score.
But I'm getting beside the point ,
finding me and myself by my pace is my chore.
Steadily wondering, in the future what I'll have in store....
For me.
Thinking and planning out some goals, hopefully achieving them, gracefully.
Making my mind happy, absorbing life all the way, pacefully.
Maybe even giving others some motivation, tastefully.
Excited to get to that now as I write, hastily.
Basically , removing those negative thoughts creatively.

-Me :)

Just Wonderin

Now, don't take this as a threat to suicide...
But have you ever just pondered "to die"?
The meaning of death:
Gone. Non existent. Out. Never again. Disappeared.
That silence of the the heart, that constant chatter of the brain, never to hear.....
Again,
No more brain activity.
No more ways to think of how to thrive...No more productivity.
Just silence. 
Perhaps a dark state....No vibrance. 
To get rid of sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch,
Frankly to say, no sense.
Tired of this.
Just no comprehension of the word "miss".
Gone to others.
Rivers of rain casts from my mother's
Tears....
Funeral processions, 
filled with memories and lessons, visions of me not...
"here".
Reasons why I decided to take my life...
Unclear.
Warning signs, predictions, realities,
Fears.
Yes, I'm questioning my life right now...
But I hold on to it dear-ly.
Thinking about death, but I won't waste my reality.
Really.
Think about it all...my actions...my worth...
Real clearly.
However, it hurts. 
So I fantasize sheerly .
Afraid to continue to live the life I'm livin'.
What happens to a girl who herself to the world is always given.
Away, I say to this place my soul is taken. 
My acceptance of life, my hopes, so called dreams.
Always shaken.
Reasons to stay in this universe,
Irresistibly hard to rake in.
Constant doubt.
No fear of controlled death, 
These thoughts of the brain,
far out.
Though, I'm not afraid to go there.
To run miles in my head, then to stop and stare...at every sick part,
I'm not scared.

-Me :)

Human

For every winner,
there is one who must lose...
For one who rejoices, there is one that screams heavily in pain.
For every heavenly pleasure received, there is an abundance of blood shed.

Every charity given, there is equal malice.
The world is of each cold and warm.
The world meaning us as people...ever flowing fickle.

Never comfortable.

A burning sensation will ease to morphine.
But laughs and happiness will subside.
Sadness and redicule can and will live inside of you, and him, and her...but can lift to content and praise.

Godliness will fall and give way to evil daily.
While forcefulness will eventually give way to silence.
Hate will always conjure...
All the while allowing love to cure the madness.
But as always kindness will never remain sober.

And on and on.

For there is black and white.
On and off.
Day and night
Failure  and redemption.
No once has the antidote for humaness.
No one.

-Me again :)

Change

The end. 
The end of being a girl.
The end of being complient .
The end of not feeling good enough.
The end of eating poorly.
The end of always looking for more.
The end of creating my own suffering.
The end of holding on and not giving space. 
The end of berating myself for my mistakes and flaws.

The beginning.
The beginning of being a woman.
The beginning of demanding respect.
The beginning of accepting my confidence.
The beginning of self control.
The beginning of taking responsibility for my actions and emotions.
The beginning of enjoying experiences as the come and go, or last.
The beginning of taking care of my physical body.
The beginning of creating experiences. 

Continuing.
Continue seeing the best in people.
Continue giving without having to receive.
Continue to love without receiving it.
Continue to uplift friends.
Continue to accept my past.
Continue not pushing parts and special people out of my life away.
Continue forgiving.
Continue apologising.
Continue having hope.

-Ebony [^_^] TODAY!

Trying to Let Go

I never held you above my head, just at my heart. I never pretended but I was hopeful. My heart was full, until it exploded. That day. The pieces all over the room. The sight...I can still remember. You didn't understand. The pieces...still on these walls... Still bloodied. Still bothered. I will soon clean them....but not today.
For I know I will look at this room and smile at the stains.
I always learn from pain...

-Ebony 4.6.2014  :)

Random OutBurst 2

Don't you love people that internet comment "Who cares"?

Right on a celebrity subject whose interest supposedly isn't thiers.

They complain about the title hater, 
And that the criticism from the stans isn't fair.

Then why in the hell did you click, type, submit, then share.

The more I read these blogs, the more i notice that this occurrence isnt rare.

Just saw this on one of those Beyonce post.

As a member of the #beyhive,
I be so mad, I swear.

Lol

-Ebony

Driving

Vivid pictures of what once was.

Constantly looking through the rear view mirror, wondering should you merge...

What was, now driven by.

Just that image in the rear view mirror.

You could go fast and avoid what’s behind you.

Or, you could go slow and see them move past you.

Will they hover next to you?

Probably not.

They're in their own lane.

Their own car.

They're in the left, the fast lane.

You're in the right.

If they were to pass you, would you feel left behind?

Maybe...

Would you still keep going?

Probably.

Just a car on a highway.

Destination, unknown.

No GPS.

Using direction internally.

Hoping this gas lasts eternally.

-Ebony :)