Change

The end. 
The end of being a girl.
The end of being complient .
The end of not feeling good enough.
The end of eating poorly.
The end of always looking for more.
The end of creating my own suffering.
The end of holding on and not giving space. 
The end of berating myself for my mistakes and flaws.

The beginning.
The beginning of being a woman.
The beginning of demanding respect.
The beginning of accepting my confidence.
The beginning of self control.
The beginning of taking responsibility for my actions and emotions.
The beginning of enjoying experiences as the come and go, or last.
The beginning of taking care of my physical body.
The beginning of creating experiences. 

Continuing.
Continue seeing the best in people.
Continue giving without having to receive.
Continue to love without receiving it.
Continue to uplift friends.
Continue to accept my past.
Continue not pushing parts and special people out of my life away.
Continue forgiving.
Continue apologising.
Continue having hope.

-Ebony [^_^] TODAY!

Trying to Let Go

I never held you above my head, just at my heart. I never pretended but I was hopeful. My heart was full, until it exploded. That day. The pieces all over the room. The sight...I can still remember. You didn't understand. The pieces...still on these walls... Still bloodied. Still bothered. I will soon clean them....but not today.
For I know I will look at this room and smile at the stains.
I always learn from pain...

-Ebony 4.6.2014  :)

Random OutBurst 2

Don't you love people that internet comment "Who cares"?

Right on a celebrity subject whose interest supposedly isn't thiers.

They complain about the title hater, 
And that the criticism from the stans isn't fair.

Then why in the hell did you click, type, submit, then share.

The more I read these blogs, the more i notice that this occurrence isnt rare.

Just saw this on one of those Beyonce post.

As a member of the #beyhive,
I be so mad, I swear.

Lol

-Ebony

Driving

Vivid pictures of what once was.

Constantly looking through the rear view mirror, wondering should you merge...

What was, now driven by.

Just that image in the rear view mirror.

You could go fast and avoid what’s behind you.

Or, you could go slow and see them move past you.

Will they hover next to you?

Probably not.

They're in their own lane.

Their own car.

They're in the left, the fast lane.

You're in the right.

If they were to pass you, would you feel left behind?

Maybe...

Would you still keep going?

Probably.

Just a car on a highway.

Destination, unknown.

No GPS.

Using direction internally.

Hoping this gas lasts eternally.

-Ebony :)

Random Beliefs 1

Marriage is not an important thing to
me. 

There is no real "sanctity of marriage".

Being married isn't a magical
cheating/lying/deceiving blocker. I
don't know why people get married
for reasons other than the legality of
it. It's the actual relationship that
matters. I know its supposed to be a
life long commitment, but you can
form that without a marriage. 

A spiritual connection.

An understanding between you and your significant other (and deity if you're religious). Just think, if
more people would say "let us spend
the rest of our lives together" and do
that without the pressure that so
called marriages carry. What would happen? 

Well, I think that some relationships would fall. Some would say "you have no ring, I have no devotion to you" (which is the issue, is that what you need?), but some would flower. Without the pressures of bible bound commitment , witnesses, expectations (this word in itself is an issue), some might feel free to actually .........love.

Just think about how you have had life long loving friendships. Did you guys vow, hold a ceremony, and sign/seal/deliver it in front of a bunch of people. 

Of course not! Sounds kinda crazy, doesn't it?

I tell you what you might have done. You might have pinky promised, hand shaked, held a cute meeting, verbally expressed, etc what you thought or wanted your friendship to be.

While a significant other is different in the sexual and desire aspect, the thought process is still the same.

If plans don't pan out, you can "divorce" without all
of the fireworks that it carries.

Marriage seems more like a "you
can't have anyone else" trap (false
sense of security). Almost as if you need a weight holding you down, to not stray. Like you have this force that you cannot let die.

I myself have been caught up in the serious relationship/marriage hype, but I have realized that in a relationship: the amount of time you've been together with someone, getting married , trials and tribulations you go through together, "love", etc... doesn't matter if just one person loses interests or wants out. Not one bit. Those things are meaningless. It's all about the present.

Why get married? What is the point? 
That sad day may still come. May not.

Well, you might think...what about SC? 

I say that a spiritual connection understanding is not a marriage. There is no false hope, there are no promises, no pressure. Perhaps laying negative cards on the table and analyzing it. Just letting the person know where you stand and what you hope your relationship to be. If it fails, then well....we can try to fix it or go our separate ways. No angry witnesses and no broken expectations. 

I don't want you weighted to me, bound to me, promised to me in front of a crowd of witnesses. I want you here because you want to.

However though, it's easier said than done. Even the person writing these words. I have had this way of thinking for a long time, but when I get in relationships, my tune sometimes changes. Sometimes I actually try to bind someone to me. It happens, but when the relationship fails or I get the proper amount of time to actually analyze and access the issue, I always come back to this point. 

This is just me and my little random beliefs. Drop a comment if you want! Lets talk about it....

:)

Random OutBurst 1

I'm not ashamed of my problems, my mistakes.
Going hard, in the fast lane, no time to push on the brakes.
Pain, pride, passion, those situations I make.
Slow progression, wrong perception, the wrong mirror of me you take.
Lower the stakes.
Buddhism telling me high expectations was the reasons for our sake.
Our relationship, I couldn't shape
Not your superwoman, can't wear the cape.

Not myself anymore

A person trying to appease you,
Like, turned to love, turn to attachment, didn't mean to.
If I could love men and still be myself, maybe it wouldn't fall through.
In relationships, always a shift, somebody drifts, if I could just stay cool.
let them go, they come back, greatest lesson since school.
But I've always been the person to think I'm the exception to the rule.
I push, you pull.

Hopefully you don't feel opposite of love, and I'm not talking hate.

But I'm still not ashamed.

Apologizing, texting, messaging, calling, totally took the blame.
Owned up to my mistakes, hoped you'd do the same.
Not mad, acceptance.
That cause and effect I heard about finally came.
Karma
Not hating you, we're both the same.
What life's about, these emotions, actions, thoughts, ours to tame.
Probably tired of me, need a break, perhaps forget you know my name.

I'm growing, and this is beautiful.

No longer afraid of anyones separation.
Although reading about 4 noble truths, still allowed to have hope of reconciliation
Self realization
Finding a strategy to life
More than just a relationship, a path that led me to a light.
I'm not going to explain, as it's early on in this fight.
But there's a reason for everything, if you don't wish to speak to me, that is beyond your right.

Again, acceptance.

Using my best sense
What I don't want, the opposite of letting go
hindrance
Not holding on, away, not dense.
What I've always lacked, self control, introspective.....patience

-Ebony 05.07.2014 [^_^]

For Once

For once.

For once, it would be nice to be treated.
I love surprises 

For once, it would be nice for it to be the right time.
Its always the wrong time.

For once, it would be nice to feel secure.
Its never mine.

For once, it would be nice to feel safe.
I'm always on guard.

For once, it would be nice to be welcome with open arms.
Rejection for no reason.

For once, it would be nice to be the only one.
Its always a" her".

For once, it would be nice to have something strong.
Bonds that are always easily broken.

For once, it would be nice to not have to ask.
Ill just know.

For once, it would be nice to be accepted flaws and all.
God forbid I don't accept yours.

For once, it would be nice to not have to play games.
I guess I'm not hard enough to get.

For once, it would be nice to be able to walk away.
There's nothing for me here.

-Ebony 03/23/2014 ;)

Joy

Everybody loves the joys of the world. When we fill that joy inside of us created from within and with another, the love will blossom and joy will come out. 

How special it must be to conceive that joy in true happiness....

You wanted him,
I guess you got him, in a way.

The thought of having a child with someone not giving their all, for them to stay... 

I don't understand.

I mean, I understand the thought of losing someone you love.
But to purposely turn that water into blood.

When you knew that the air wasn't clean enough for joy to breathe.

You said that it was an accident, and that you were in the moment. 

I guess I can't argue with that, I wasn't there 
but I remember when we had that conversation about him....

You were scared.

You said you saw him with her. They were touching in some kind of way.
I ask how, when, and where.
You didn't elaborate.

Don't get me wrong every body wants their little piece of Joy.

But what I don't understand, why you couldn't wait. Wait for the love you deserve. 
Now, because of joy, I think you're getting false words...

Words that just won't stand.
He has never been that man.

It is his joy, 
But it's not y'alls.

I've seen this before, when duty calls, he'll try...

but for only so long...

Can he lie.

To himself, 

And you to yourself.

I really hope I'm wrong ...

Because in the end, it's all about that wonderful, sweet, amazing, powerful joy.

Joy. The reason for it all.

-Ebony 03/13/2014 ;)

Your Smile

You have a beautiful smile.

I don't think I've ever enjoyed one so much.

I know I've told you this before.

But

Literally, when I see it, right under the middle of my chest...I feel this pressure. I like to think of it as your energy transferring to me and creating this mad chemical reaction.

The world completely stands still.

To see you happy, lifts my spirits.
The reason I love you, is yours.

You don't always seem happy when I'm around, but boy when you are.
I can see it across the room.

Your smile.
In those little moments I still get to see it. 
I feel like it's a little gift.

To see you smile.

I don't know if I ever put it there.

But even if somebody else does, the special thing about it, is I can still reep the benifits.

To see you smile, man...its just so awesome.

I can't believe it.

I remember when it started. I saw you smile, I was like dang, I didn't know it had that effect on me.

Maybe it's some kind of science.

-Ebony 03/13/2014 ;)

No Sleep

I can't get no damn sleep.
I'm so fucking tired.
Go to bed at 8, wake up at 9, 10, 11, and so on, ever since I was fired.

Funny thing, the midnight shift.

You're up all night, can't fall asleep in the day.
However, I did get my sleep then, somehow, I found a way.

But nowadays, I just can't get any fucking sleep. 

What the hell.

Look, life without sleep is worse than a break up.
Those two, three, four hours of no damn sleep ...You just can't make up.

Just ugly bags under my eyes.

I took a load Nyquil last night to fall asleep.
But i still woke up, just drunk, the damn medicine didn't keep.

Now I'm up, drunk, and annoyed.

Cant get up, or walk, tingly all over.
Feeling heavy from the Nyquil, but not sleepy, and definitely not sober.

It always worked for me, now I'm pissed! Not only about the hours of nap I have missed.

But because that means that something might actually be wrong.
I don't want to go to the doctor, but maybe he'll prescribe me something strong.

I have never in my life been a fan of what I believe is evil, the pill. But after Motrin for my period, for sleep, to get that drug, I would kill.

Not for real.
I won't give in.

But damn, what I wouldn't fucking give, to actually sleep in.

-Ebony 03/09/2014 ;)

Letters

Your letters.
I see them all the time.
Together.
Making sentences that mean so much and so little.
Much to me.
Little to you.

Letters cost way less than actions.
Theyre cheap.
You can find them a the nearest store.
But actions, boy, do those cost alot.
You have to go uptown to buy those.
You say you don't have enough money for them.
I find it funny though, how she received those actions the other day.
I guess you found some spare change.

I know she didn't pay.

I guess I'll take my letters, because while cheap, I still like them.
But to be honest, I never had a nack for expensive things.
Maybe that's why that's all I've ever received.

I enjoy your sentences.
I don't always believe them.
But they're arranged nice.
So...I'll take them.

I guess she, and her, and the other one can have those costly actions.

I'll just sit here with my cheap letters. 
Read them over and over.

I like it that way.

At the end of the day, their actions have past.
My letters are still here.
Maybe it's a naive way to think.

Maybe they get both.
But I don't have any proof.
I'll just leave that to the imagination.

Maybe I'll learn one day.

Until then I guess I'll have these letters.

One day I might have enough to sell for actions.

-Ebony 03/09/2014 ;)

SC

I don't want a marriage.
I want a spiritual connection.

I want your very own me, and my very own you.

I don't want a crowd with our family.
Just a view.

Of us in the present, not the future.
Of us.
As it is.

I don't want to talk of vows.
I know your heart.

I want to hear what you hate about me.
Lets get this out right here, right now, from the start.

Why this? 

Because I've heard, of these things never spoken, can soon be responsible for a bond later broken.

Nothing in the dark, our souls come out.
Yours into mine, mine into yours.
Like spiritual punch.
We drink this together.
Drunk off our freedom to do what we want, as we please, whenever.

Not to be confused with an open relationship, we don't want that. 
But in a tight, closed, locked space.
The heart can't be kept at.

Because we have 

A spiritual connection

Not at all shared with another, but us and ours.

Before God we stand only, not even the bible present.

Why this? 

Because it's hard for me to believe that God wrote all those lessons.

Maybe some, but not all. In only his name, we'll call.

As you sit here with me, you too have a say. A say about what role in life I will have with you every single day

This ceremony with just us isn't pressure. Its happiness, love, faith, and pleasure.

I promise my health for you, you promise your health for me.

Us both with free will. The best possible way to be.

Not her, not him, just us.

You are, and I am, in our own selection.

I'll NEVER, EVER want a marriage.

I want a spiritual connection.

-Ebony 03/08/2014 ;)

Mind Reading

I need to be free of your thoughts.
I cherish the mystery of your love.

When we were us, your thoughts were simple.
Now they contradict your words.

When we were us, I didn't mind those thoughts.
Now I read your mind every day.

Its funny how I never thought to be a mind reader before.

Maybe it's because I didn't have to.
You would gladly offer your real thoughts.

Now I search and scramble for scraps. The thoughts every mind reader can see.

But I promise today to stop reading those thoughts.

Today, I will leave myself with the thoughts of my own and my friends.

Your thoughts are on standby, there, but I blocked them from my mind.

You are more than my friend, still, but I unfollowed your thoughts.

When my mind wants to read your thoughts, ill have the self control, as I promised myself before and quickly broke.

But this time it'll be real.

Though, I hope you read my thoughts. They're real. They're simple. The same.

If you want to mind read, don't forget to add to the brain.

-Ebony 03/08/2014 ;)

I Owe

I owe.

I owe taxes this year.
700 hundred to be exact.

I owe financial aide.
50 dollars this month.
Fact.

I owe you.
$5.63, I borrowed yesterday, 
GUARANTEED, the kind of nag you are, you'll get that pay.

I'll owe progressive 100 hundred in a minute.

But not before i pay for this bill from the dentist.

In 5 days I'll owe DET, and in two weeks I'll owe RENT.

A little over $2000 this month to be spent.

Do YOU think I have time for YOUR bullshit???

Nope. I sure don't.

Get the fuck out my face.

You said that's a little harsh.
I know.

But I'm not worried about that right now....

I fucking owe.

-Ebony 03/08/2014 ;)

Mommy

Mom. 
This word equals happiness.
No love I've had has ever.
Will never.
Compare.

Mom.
This word equals love.
Truely in every sense,
Unconditional.

Mom.
This word equals loyalty.
Always on my side.
No matter the reason.

Mom.
This word equals kindness.
All you've done for me.
Just too much.

Mom.
This word equals respect.
For you, Ill have it all.
Not enough.

Mom.
This word equals understanding.
My every word. Listened. Absorbed.
Helped.

Mom.
This word equals shelter.
I'm safe.
Never left alone in this world.

Mom
This word equals teacher.
On my own.
I would NEVER be.

Mom.
This word equals universe.
I wouldn't be. 
None of these words would exist.

With out you.

I couldn't imagine.

Thank you.

You have no idea.

Everything I am. Everything I will be.
My children.
My husband.
My job.
My possessions.
My life.
Because of...

Just.

You.

With all the love in the world i could possibly gather,
Your daugher

-Ebony 03/08/2014 :)

"New"

You can take your new, her.

You can take her "new"
You can take her new things
You can take her new thoughts
You can take her new ideas
You can take her new feelings
You can take her new looks
You can take her new facial expressions

You can take your new, her

New. Different. New. Right. New.Great. New. Good. New. Exciting.

NO!

You took my new things
You took my new thoughts
You took my new ideas
You took my new feelings
You took my new looks 
You took my new facial expressions

Took. Past tense.

What was there, never left.

Feelings of losing the "new", already gone.

Its lost.

Feelings of old, now new.

No more me, with you.

Take your new, her.

-Ebony 03/07/2014 ;)