Random Outburst 4

It has been a hard pill for me to swallow,

That an experience that I strongly felt with another, to them, was significantly hollow.

Time spent, ideas shared, and the emotions that followed

Failed to read his intentions, actions showing he cared….

But I learned and won’t wallow.

In reasons why…

Better yet, excuses.

So easy to create explanations, I know their uses.

Given, still my arguments against the claims…absolutely useless.

Somebody else’s mind and heart, doesn’t matter my 2 cents.

Besides,

We all know inside.

Regardless, with true romantic love comes compromise.

With someone you care deeply for love doesn’t spark, then immediately die.

Perhaps in my situation there was more than meets the eye.

As a woman I could play the blame game, but it takes a believer to except lies…

Or withholdings.

Whatever the case.

Still think I gave up too much, too fast.

Sometimes I forget there’s no race.

I know I shouldn't dwell, but sometimes I think:
 “what if I had given more time and space”.

A lot of times, unexpected love gives way to the chase.

The only thing was……

Nobody was running for me; add that with these unforeseen circumstances,

I see how I handled my heart irresponsibly.

At the drop of a dime to aid to a lover with charity,

You cannot expect the same love.

That’s not genuine, learned in my moment of clarity.

Not saying that my intention to help lacked spontaneity,

But those dreaded expectations really uncovered my naivety.

So what does one do?

When a person has a lot of worries and not one of them is you.

Do I stay a friend? Maybe just keep in contact to show my love is true?

Or

Do I walk away, burn the bridge in the right that I have nothing to prove.

The latter...

The option everybody I know agrees to….

But even with that, I’ll just live life and see what’s due.

-Me :)

Convenient Christian

The Convenient Christian.

Sometimes seen reciting memorized, 
idolized lines for anyone who'll listen.

Says its not the the path they've taken, 
but the mission.

Finding a way to define it all, 
smoothly, through religion.

Seeking validation from other "lambs" who've 
been told and taught the same position. 

Sin all day, repent, repeat....you know:

The everyday convenient christian decision.

Choosing to follow this line, but not that one... 
new vs. old testament opinions.

The reason for all the pain: 
A woman, apple, and snake collision?

To ponder the faith, but not abandon... 
So to speak... a chameleon.

The gift to critically think, 
a blessing to some of Gods children.

Meaning, created with a mind to question........
one could not be the villain. 

-EB 

Question? (A short)

Is it just me, or is social media ending the concept of mystery?

Forever access to a being's thoughts and history.

No matter how deep, insides shared freely for all to see.

People viewing the life of you, a sense of popularity.

Exaggerations of accomplishments, goals, feats, feeding insecurity.

But on the other side: sob stories, harsh truths a kind of "woe is me".

This realization in the past couple days to look into my intentions with this carefully.

Again, where's the mystery?

Now when I say my intentions, I mean... what can I do with this?

Sure, add friends, family, lovers... recreational bliss.

But what draws the line between news, and nobody's business?

From bosses, to neighbors, to ex relationships.

Green dots indicating consciousness.

Records of the same broken down to seconds, hours, and minutes.

Constant visuals of peers likes, comments, and interests.

Deems, conclusions, judgments made where without this outlet...

would they exist?

-Ebony/me {^-^}

That Guy

You're that guy
The guy that, excuse me but everybody's had
Not in the thought of you with everybody...
But in the fact that you're that "him" that everybody's had...
That one....
That never was
But was a thought...an idea
That " one" who I'm not sure who is.
It was strictly an idea. 
I never knew you.
Only what you showed me, but....I liked it.
A mystery.
That mystery that everybody searches for, but doesn't want, you know....
Cause in the end it's the open book that prevails....
But in the back of your mind it's always that mystery....
That mystery that has you thinkin...
Even though it will never be....
That shit is addicting

-Me, ebony 

Ghost

I swear you suck the soul right out of me.
Everytime your essence is in the distance I feel my light dem.
The fire that burns and gives life to my spirit turns faint.
The illusion of you, poison to my reality.
But still my imagination decides my actions and internal mind tricks allow me to let this essence surround me.
The two worlds colliding, somehow, with no reason.
In your world my time is non existent, so in my world spring never comes.
No matter the season, if nothing is promised,
silence is certain.
In this twisted universe no hope imaginable can stand up to your repudiation.
And because of this, happiness is a luke warm front in this cold dark eternity that leads to no-place.

-Me :)

Random Outburst 3

Letting this creativity drown out all my constant thinking and negativity.

Questions.

What's destined to be since my nativity.
Currently,
Trying to come to terms with my truth actively.
Dying to find out whats socially special in me, tactfully.
Fighting what others perceive, correcting the fake, factually.
Finding my piece of mind first before I actually....
Get down to the root.
The cause.
Laying in bed wondering what I like, what I can keep, with passion.
grabbing life by the balls. 
But unpassionate, multiple lanes, for some reason inspiration to keep going just falls.
Finding a reason for yourself, universally, an unwritten law.
To find something in yourself 
right, real, reverently raw.
Hoping to gain a reclusive mind, 
get away from it all.

Why?

Because of the the over exposure of self lobbying success.
The action on social media to show you're better than the rest.
Quite vain, everbody racing to pass this invisible test.
So lame, comparing what I'm  building to somebody else's nest.
Deciding to find my own voice, reach deep into my own chest.
Refusing to brag on my intent, my plan, my ability to progress.
Not to put those who do down, but on my nerves 50% of you get.
Now, there are those who I'm happy for, seeing the strife, then the growth, then the open doors.
But it's always those ones who have to show off a little more.
Purhaps put up a quote asking what others are waiting for.
Posing as motivation, however I since studying, judging, keeping score.
But I'm getting beside the point ,
finding me and myself by my pace is my chore.
Steadily wondering, in the future what I'll have in store....
For me.
Thinking and planning out some goals, hopefully achieving them, gracefully.
Making my mind happy, absorbing life all the way, pacefully.
Maybe even giving others some motivation, tastefully.
Excited to get to that now as I write, hastily.
Basically , removing those negative thoughts creatively.

-Me :)

Just Wonderin

Now, don't take this as a threat to suicide...
But have you ever just pondered "to die"?
The meaning of death:
Gone. Non existent. Out. Never again. Disappeared.
That silence of the the heart, that constant chatter of the brain, never to hear.....
Again,
No more brain activity.
No more ways to think of how to thrive...No more productivity.
Just silence. 
Perhaps a dark state....No vibrance. 
To get rid of sight, smell, hearing, taste, and touch,
Frankly to say, no sense.
Tired of this.
Just no comprehension of the word "miss".
Gone to others.
Rivers of rain casts from my mother's
Tears....
Funeral processions, 
filled with memories and lessons, visions of me not...
"here".
Reasons why I decided to take my life...
Unclear.
Warning signs, predictions, realities,
Fears.
Yes, I'm questioning my life right now...
But I hold on to it dear-ly.
Thinking about death, but I won't waste my reality.
Really.
Think about it all...my actions...my worth...
Real clearly.
However, it hurts. 
So I fantasize sheerly .
Afraid to continue to live the life I'm livin'.
What happens to a girl who herself to the world is always given.
Away, I say to this place my soul is taken. 
My acceptance of life, my hopes, so called dreams.
Always shaken.
Reasons to stay in this universe,
Irresistibly hard to rake in.
Constant doubt.
No fear of controlled death, 
These thoughts of the brain,
far out.
Though, I'm not afraid to go there.
To run miles in my head, then to stop and stare...at every sick part,
I'm not scared.

-Me :)